Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core (tm)
or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the
human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f**&%#g kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t.

And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Now that made me laugh... I had similar thoughts when I first saw the phrase "Kotex understands" imprinted on the adhesive wrapper - UNDERSTANDS WHAT?!? Yikes!

Thanks for sharing that - I'll forever think of Flexi-Wings as "a little F-16 in my pants"!

Remember the brand "OB"?

It was a Kimberly-Clark product. I don't think it is still made, for once I learned what the "O B" stood for, I made it a point to NEVER look for them.

From their marketing department, O B stood for "Obviously Better".

Mom, That is hilarious and all very true!!!!

Thanks for posting this ... I got it a week ago from a relative of the female anatomy ... thank goodness I have her fooled into thinking this subject still applies to me and even tho it doesn't, I can still remember so many 'joyful' months of womanhood. Just ask my husband ... heck, I think he gave my gyn a tip for doing the surgery

By the way, I used OB and had no idea what the initials represented ... and they were so good that they came off the market because women who used them were dying from toxic shock syndrome ... I believe it was the most notorious of the precious little items when it came to women developing TSS ... perhaps a little poetic justice (for the company, not the unfortunate victims, of course)

So glad I left the stress of the Texas Forum to wander into the Ladies Lounge for some refreshing banter.

Thanks for the post. I think I'll share parts of its "voice" with my English and aerobics' classes, tomorrow.

No matter what the subject,..somehow its always much more tolerable in here with the gals!
( I'm bettin a few lurking dads are high tailin' it outta here! ha ha!!! )

This was toooooooooo funny!!!!

That was hilarious! From the male perspective, I can tell you that while I have suffered only the indirect torment of Aunt Flo’s visits, I do see a certain twisted logic in Mr. Thatcher’s slogan. Perhaps “Have a Happy Period” refers to that brief moment of incredible relief when we can end our frantic and desperate prayers with a very heartfelt “Thank you God”. Aunt Flo may have been very late but we have never been happier about her arrival.