I have been reading on many forums for years that parents should never talk to the high school coaches of their children. I have been told that it is one of the biggest mistakes a parent can make.

I have a question…..WHY?

Now I am the parent of 3 sons (my 13 yr old daughter is a dancer) that have all graduated from high school, all 3 played multiple sports. So I do have experience with the environment. I also have coached at the high school level as well.

What makes high school athletic coaches so special that a high school parent is not allowed to talk about their child’s performance or participation in that program? When did those high school educators step out from underneath the covering of the rest of the school staff?

What makes high coaches so special?

As far as I am concerned, NOTHING.

They are no more special then all of the other educators that are employed by that school district. In most towns funded by the tax dollars of the parents of the students that play for them. These educators we call coaches are bound by the same mission statement as the rest of the faculty…..aren’t they?

No one would ever think twice about going to Mr Smith the Math teacher and discussing their child’s performance in math class. We would want Mr Smith the Math teacher to explain how our child is doing, what are our child’s strengths and weaknesses, what he needs to do better in the class, what he needs to do for next year to be able to take the advanced classes. No one would flinch at that meeting.


BUT, people say no parent should ever try and talk to Mr Smith, (now the baseball coach after school) about how their child is doing on Mr Smith’s team, what his strengths and weaknesses are, why he is not being allowed to participate much in that school program, what he will need to do for next year to make the Varsity team.

When did Mr Smith stop being a high school EDUCATOR. When did he get the authority to not have to discuss the performance of one of the schools students.When he walked out onto the field? I look forward to hearing peoples thoughts.

Lets try and keep the responses focused on High School teams….not travel, select or any other sports teams. Just relate to High School Sports and High School coaches.

Let’s hear if the problem is more how parents ask, when they ask, where they ask, that is the problem. Or is it just plain and simple…you don’t talk to high school coaches about your kid.

I couldn't agee with you more!

After my son's freshman year I called the Varsity coach and we had a fantastic conversation about what needed to be done between now and 1 year from now and then 3 years from now. We discussed a game plan if you will, and it was a very two sided conversation.

I was told (from some other parents) it would be a bad idea to speak with him and I would only hurt my son. They were wrong.

It has nothing to do with how special the coach is. Talking to the coach emans more that just having a polite conversation. It refers to complaining, questioning and otherwise undermining his authority as a coach. You don't seem to respect that the coach is the coach and has to make sometimes unpopular decisions and choices. If everyone questioned him you would have a real problem.

When you see or hear "Don't talk to the high school coach," it involves the two primary reasons parents want to talk to coaches, position and playing time. Parents should not approach high school coaches on these issues. A high school athlete should be mature enough to handle these two points.

If a parent approached a coach asking raising money for the program, I doubt the coach would turn him/her away.

quote:

Originally posted by RJM:
When you see or hear "Don't talk to the high school coach," it involves the two primary reasons parents want to talk to coaches, position and playing time. Parents should not approach high school coaches on these issues. A high school athlete should be mature enough to handle these two points.

I am not questioning whether a high school athlete should ask the question him/herself. They should.

But why do you believe these two topics are off limits to a parent in a school sanctioned program?

Why can a school educator be allowed to not have to answer those questions from a parent.

It's not up to the parents to be a mouthpiece for their kids playing time. It's up to the players to bring those concerns to the coach himself. Besides, a head coach is likely to have individual player meetings, more specifically on the varsity level and tell the player their roles and what they need to work on to get increased playing time if that's the case. This is the time players have to grow up and stand up for themselves here.

As for comparing Mr Smith, the varsity baseball coach to Mr. Smith, the math teacher, there's a difference. Education is the primary function of school and athletics are secondary so if a kid is struggling in math class, then the parent has to step in and get the full picture on what's going on in the classroom and what needs to be done to make the grade. Of course, if they flunk, it won't matter because they'll be academically ineligible to participate anyway.

There's a place and time for parents involvement with the head coach and that usually involves fundraisers or any other administrative, medical issues etc that the parents need to be involved in. Parents need to stay away from the on-the-field playing time decisions. It's not their business.

I don't remember anyone saying not to talk to the HS coach. I think that HS are more than happy to discuss progress and development about the player. Why not, they both have a common goal, a better player makes for a better team!

But I do remember reading on several occassions over the years and giving advice myself NOT to COMPLAIN to the HS coach. Discussions should be approached in a positive manner.

quote:

Originally posted by BobbleheadDoll:
It has nothing to do with how special the coach is. Talking to the coach emans more that just having a polite conversation. It refers to complaining, questioning and otherwise undermining his authority as a coach. You don't seem to respect that the coach is the coach and has to make sometimes unpopular decisions and choices. If everyone questioned him you would have a real problem.

BobbleheadDoll, nice response!

RJM, also very good post!

Catching Coach, when you go to the math teacher, are you there to complain about your child's math abilities versus some other student? Are you there to say that all of the other kids get to play more Math than your son? Are there any other parents waiting their turns to make sure to get the teacher's ear so that their kids can start on the Math team? Do emotions run high when math class is released and so, a lot of upset parents are waiting in the school parking lot for the math teacher?

Of course you can talk to the coach. I believe most coaches outline times which to do so. I certainly did. However, I'd point out that most parents don't want to only talk about their child. They want to bring someone else's child into the argument. ie. my son is better than... and my son played on this team over... and this coach told me that if they were the coach that they'd play my son over...

I'd also point out that the instant you approach that coach and others view that moment, any credibility associated with your's son's work to overcome their situation is lost. In other words, should your son play, the talk then is not that your child earned it. Rather, the rumor will circulate that your son started because you talked to the coach.

CatchingCoach, since you are a coach, how do you deal with this scenerio? Are you able to make everyone happy? Do you engage in talk about other players with these disgruntled parents? Are you available right after the game win or lose and every game for any parent to vent? I don't know if you are a teacher or not but you suggest that teacher and coach are one job. That most certainly isn't the truth. Everyone has a right to the classroom but many are excluded from the playing arena.

My child played this year and started varsity as a freshman. I made sure to never talk to the coach even though we are in the same department and 2 doors from each other in the school. I never wanted anyone to suggest that my child didn't earn her position because of my position AND I never wanted to be "that Dad" that makes a coach wonder if they have made a good decision on keeping the player around. Something to think about.

Parents are the last people who evaluate their kids ability and how they fit into the overall team effort.
I have seen so many parents who think their son is the best thing since sliced bread and that they are better than the guy in front of them.
I sujest that if you have an issue your son had better prove he is the guy and work his tail off to do so.
I have also seen many a parent ruin things for his son and be seen as having too much baggage.

IF you are a reasonable person and are capable of carrying an adult conversation then talking about your son's development and plan for the future should not and is not off limits for speaking with the HS coach.

My son is going into his final year at college and I have never spok to a coach about playing time etc. His coaches all loved him because he worked hard and never complained. He never missed a game or was late. Did he feel he was short changed at times ? of course he did and so did I. We just stuck to what he had to do on the field.
To me this is about disciplene and a life lesson. He has worked all through college, achieved honours and the place he has worked for has just offered to pay for his MBA. He didn't like every job he was asked to do but he did it with a great attitude. In the great scheme of things your son's problems amount to nothing but how he handles them is everything. Let thye coach do his job. There is nothing wrong with asking how he can improve but never complain.

This is a great discussion. My son's varsity coach says to parents: "come talk to me anytime. I will be completely honest about your son and where I assess his current skills and what he can do to get better."

Most parents get scared off by that prospect, because they don't really want an honest assessment, they want to talk to the coach about position or playing time.

I think there are substantive difference between academic teachers and athletic coaches. I think the analogy is imperfect at best.

I am of the opinion that if my there is an issue, my son will address it with his coach, perhaps with my counsel beforehand. If there is some health issue, I might intervene, but lacking that, I certainly haven't yet found any reason why I would approach my kid's coach to discuss anything substantive.

I've had a couple conversations over the years with his coaches, but always in social settings and never anything I brought up.

I want my kid to handle as much as possible himself.

quote:

Originally posted by Rob Kremer:
I want my kid to handle as much as possible himself.

Rob,

I absolutely do as well. With 3 sons playing different sports we have had many occasions to counsel them on how to approach their coaches on many different issues.

My concern has been that parents may have concerns that are not the players. They have "grown-up" concerns that they may want an explanation for. And yes playing time may be one of them. They should not be fearfull to approach the coach.

quote:

Originally posted by zombywoof:
Parents need to stay away from the on-the-field playing time decisions. It's not their business.

So you are saying that High School coaches decisions about who gets to participate in a school sanctioned activity are totally without any accountability to the parents of the school district?

And by accountability I just mean that you feel coaches should not have to be under any obligation to explain their decisions to the parents?

quote:

Originally posted by BobbleheadDoll:
It has nothing to do with how special the coach is. Talking to the coach emans more that just having a polite conversation. It refers to complaining, questioning and otherwise undermining his authority as a coach. You don't seem to respect that the coach is the coach and has to make sometimes unpopular decisions and choices. If everyone questioned him you would have a real problem.

No I am talking about having a polite discussion, adult to adult, parent to educator. That is my point. While there are 15 or so that have posted on this topic so far I am sure quite a few more parents have viewed it. I am hoping by this discussion to maybe help parents see some guide lines about talking to coaches.I am also hoping to maybe have some coaches view their own role with maybe a bit more tolerance.

If every parent is questioning a particular coach I suspect that this coach will find a big piece of his/her problem in their own mirror.

quote:

Originally posted by CoachB25:

Catching Coach, when you go to the math teacher, are you there to complain about your child's math abilities versus some other student? Are you there to say that all of the other kids get to play more Math than your son? Are there any other parents waiting their turns to make sure to get the teacher's ear so that their kids can start on the Math team? Do emotions run high when math class is released and so, a lot of upset parents are waiting in the school parking lot for the math teacher?

Of course you can talk to the coach. I believe most coaches outline times which to do so. I certainly did. However, I'd point out that most parents don't want to only talk about their child. They want to bring someone else's child into the argument. ie. my son is better than... and my son played on this team over... and this coach told me that if they were the coach that they'd play my son over...

So it is acceptable then to have the discussion if the parent stays on issues related to their child's performance and areas they need to improve?

quote:

I'd also point out that the instant you approach that coach and others view that moment, any credibility associated with your's son's work to overcome their situation is lost. In other words, should your son play, the talk then is not that your child earned it. Rather, the rumor will circulate that your son started because you talked to the coach.

I do realize some parents and players may feel this way, however I feel this perception is a by-product of the entire No-Talk attitude. I always recommend the parents of my students to contact the coach privately.

quote:

CatchingCoach, since you are a coach, how do you deal with this scenerio? Are you able to make everyone happy? Do you engage in talk about other players with these disgruntled parents? Are you available right after the game win or lose and every game for any parent to vent? I don't know if you are a teacher or not but you suggest that teacher and coach are one job. That most certainly isn't the truth. Everyone has a right to the classroom but many are excluded from the playing arena

I am no longer a "team" coach since I run a school just for catchers. This is why I only recommend parents to set up a time to meet with the coach away from the emotion of a game or practice.

And yes I was a high school teacher for a few years and I did not see that role stop when I took to the field. I do believe they should be treated as the same job. Different skill set, different classroom format, but no change in the accountability to the students and the parents of the district.

quote:

My child played this year and started varsity as a freshman. I made sure to never talk to the coach even though we are in the same department and 2 doors from each other in the school. I never wanted anyone to suggest that my child didn't earn her position because of my position AND I never wanted to be "that Dad" that makes a coach wonder if they have made a good decision on keeping the player around. Something to think about.

I understand that a parent like yourself that is also at the school has a complicated situation for sure. I am not talking about parents becoming "That Dad" or "That Mom". I just want the same channel of communication open to parents to the athletic side of the school curriculum.

I talk to or email our head coach at least 2-3 times per week in the off season once or twice a week during it; about scheduling a team to play in the summer, helping organize a tournament, fundraising ideas, field work, the last game, all kinds of things about helping the PROGRAM. I see nothing wrong at all with talking with the coach. In fact I would encourage everyone to talk to the coach and ask what YOU can do to help him and his program. He is putting countless hours to help your son (and many others) so by all means talk to him and offer some support and help. Join the booster club - get active - make a difference in some kids lives.

Just don't do it to complain or impart your vast knowledge about baseball to him.

Regarding playing time, positions, why am I not playing on such and such team, things to work on between games and off season, etc, etc. Leave these to your son. It is part of the process of growing into an adult - give him have the opportunity and experience of talking one on one with the coach. I guarantee he will be better because of the experience and you will be because you helped the program and can feel like you made a difference in some kids lives.

quote:

Originally posted by BOF:
Regarding playing time, positions, why am I not playing on such and such team, things to work on between games and off season, etc, etc. Leave these to your son. It is part of the process of growing into an adult - give him have the opportunity and experience of talking one on one with the coach. I guarantee he will be better because of the experience and you will be because you helped the program and can feel like you made a difference in some kids lives.

BOF, so if a parent has concerns about some of the issues above, and their 14 yr old son (freshman) came home with what they felt was an incomplete answer from the coach, are you saying that the parent should NOT ask the coach themselves his views on the matter?

I don't know BOF's answer but I would say no. If my 14 year old came home not understanding what the coach has told him, I would tell him to turn around and ask again. Unless there might be some health concerns, he needs to learn how to take care of extra curricular activities himself. Besides, the particular dynamics that takes place between any coach and any player is something special that belongs only to them when there is an issue.

As far as comparing this to parents speaking to the math or any other teacher, the way I look at it, my child HAS to pass his classes to graduate HS and if there is a problem that is my responsibility as a parent to find out where needs help. My son doesn't have to pass baseball to graduate HS. If I felt that he needed work in certain areas to improve in baseball, it's a choice to get him to a person who can help him improve, whatever it may be. Asking the coach how he could improve is his responsibility, if he wants to continue to play the game.
You are comparing an extracurricular activity to work in the classroom and the classroom was always much more important than anything else to us. Besides, you don't do well in school, you don't play.

There are a lot more parents who would go to the coach first to find out what's wrong before the classroom teacher. Being a former teacher I know that for a fact. I have seen more parents devastated that their kids can't play baseball because of their grades than they may not graduate from HS.

I know that you asked not to keep this to HS, but a lot of it depends on how one views the HS baseball experience. We didn't feel it was as important as travel team in HS.

Interesting discussion.

I believe the most powerful thing to "speak" with is performance and neither the player nor the parent should speak to the coach. Deeds not dialog. That ought to be enough. Talking only detracts from performance imho. I believe the coach speaks with every parent and player every day and that is through the lineup card.

When my son did not start initially in college, I told him to keep his mouth closed, get to work, and do not feel sorry for yourself. Not only work at getting better skills-wise, but be the best teammate on the team. If the water needs carried, then carry it. If the field needs raked, then rake it. If a ball needs chased, then chase it and so forth. Sooner or later someone will notice and that truly speaks much louder than words imo.