Close post.

Lighten up would be my advice. My son never worked out until he was 16 except for what he did with his elite teams.
You situation is typical more often than not. If you punish him for not doing what you want him to do, he mighyt just quit. There are a lot of very good ball players who just don't have the desire but he is too young to pass judgment.
We all live through our kids . That doesn't mean we are trying to replace our failed dreams.

1) he's a teenager

2) he sounds like a normal 14 yr old

3) soon you can begin worrying about cars and girls too

you say he's not playing the game for you, but then you proceed to use YOUR expectations to gage his progress toward goals

agree, lighten up

Sending you a PM, s3.

Strike 3
I'm sure many of us have gone through this and the best thing I can say is step back, let him come to you. It will take some time and a lot of hard work on your part to keep your mouth shut. It did me. Believe me he will be better off for it. Right now he figures you will be there to make him work. He thinks it's your dream. He needs to realize it is not your dream but that you will help him try to achieve his dream if and when he takes responsibility. At 14 before HS, my son only practiced if I came to him otherwise it was video games or whatever. I would make him go outside and play rather than play video games at least he was exercising. Somewhere along the line he came back and realized it takes dedication and hard work to get better. I think it was the high school freshman team. He watched as kids he new could be better didn't work at it, never did anything to get stronger, faster, long toss, nothing but what they did at practice, nothing on their own. That is when it happened, he came to me and said let's hit. His weight training teacher told him a story about kids coming to him a week or two before practice wanting to know what they could do to make the team. Answer:nothing now. He's now a sophomore and last night asked if I would take him to the rec center today to work out after school because they will be playing dodge ball in weight training. So step back, bite your tongue,don't ask anything, don't show your anger, if he wants it, it'll happen.

Yup, that's frustrating. I've had a similiar experience in other aspects of dealing with my son, so maybe that perspective can help.

As you are aware , he's 14. Not everything in the brain is wired yet, particularly on the planning-and-consequences circuits. It sounds as if he is naturally athletic and, as you say he does well in school (even with the video game addiction) can learn easily as well.

You are offering him a structure to improve --- coaches, workouts, equipment --- for an activity he enjoys and, at his age, is still easy for him. (Dad, what's the problem? What, in his experience, would tell him that it may not always be this way?) He's good, he gets the invites....and he may not be making the connection yet between what he can do and what you have provided for him (at his age, it's all about him). That infrastructure has always been there for him; he doesn't have to think about it or organize it ---- it's part of his environment, like a filled fridge and lights that work.

What would need to happen to make him take some responsibility for these supportive aspects of his baseball? A couple of guesses --- seeing someone a lot better than he, or seeing a falloff in his own results (because you've pulled the plug or dialed back on the support system).

Only you and his Mom know his maturity level; but it might be a bit early to force him into total responsibility, IMHO. As parents, we figure we've been doing this for 14 years --- let's see the results! But it's a long project. Think back to what you were doing at 14 and how much you were aware of what adults did for you.

Keep talking to him about his role in this process, maybe miss a few workouts or start a new season without new equipment. If he doesn't notice, he may not care enough about baseball (but I'm betting he will).

My issue with my son was grades. Many conversations about many aspects, including how grades would impact his chance to play at a D1. Years after those conversations started, while he was a freshman at a JuCo, I overheard my words on grades coming out of his mouth to a teammate. Of course, I had to ask him if he had seen my lips move and wasn't I good? He allowed as how much of my advice and our discussions was like a cloud hanging around his head: he heard it, it was there, but it just couldn't sink in until he was ready for it.

S3,

Your son does sound like a very normal teenager. He certainly sounds like ours.

You also sound like a very normal and caring parent. (At list you sound like me, so I think that you sound normal). I think that it is very normal to want to help your child achieve something that they want very badly. Especially when they are as young as 14, I don't think that kids can see the big picture and understand the long term consequences of their actions or inactions. I'm not sure it is so much our job to make them practice or work out to achieve their goals, but to help them understand what they need to do to achieve those goals. This also includes appreciating the role of academics play in achieving their desire to play ball at the next level.

We also thought of stopping lessons for our son, not driving, not "making' him go, making him go etc.. Instead, we sat down with him, asked him what he wanted (to play best possible baseball (of course)), and mapped out, with him, what we thought he needed to do, and had him say what he was willing to do, to achieve his goals. We told him that we were more than willing to support whatever decisions he made, but that once he committed to a course of action, signed up for lessons, singed up for a team, etc., he had to follow through and had to give it his best effort. (Another chapter can address what constitutes and who determines best effort)

What held more credence with our son, than anything we could have said or done, was what his coaches and instructors told him and what his team mates were doing. If you can enlist one of his favorite coaches, or older player, to talk with him about what kind of a commitment he needs to make to play at the level he wants, he may be more receptive to hearing it. Also, you might try having a group of his friends/team mates work out together. It is always more fun that doing it alone.

It doesn't sound to me like you are living through him, or even imposing your expectations on him. It sounds like you want his actions to be consistent with, and help him achieve, the goals that he has stated.

I would encourage you to listen to him, talk with him, and try to trust him. Let him stumble if he makes a bad decision. Continue to be there for him when he does. He will learn the lesson better than if you told him so, and he will know that your approval is not tied up with him only doing what you want him to do.

If he doesn't want to do baseball related training, in favor of playing too many video games, I think it is OK that you require him to find some other form of exercise/physical activity. That is a health issue that, as a parent, you can still influence. If gaming is interfering with academics, you could also impose a study hour (DI schools do it for their players).

Make sure that you remember the teenage law of physics: For every nudge, suggestion, piece of advice given by a parent, there is an equal, if not greater opposing teenage reaction. At no time should you show him that he is getting to you or show your frustration. They can smell it on you and they go for the jugular, then run in the opposite direction. (Just kidding).

Try to enjoy it more and maybe he will enjoy it more. There will be plenty of time to stress later, but he has to want to play and he has to play his best if there is going to be a later.

You sound like a thoughtful supportive parent. I wouldn't be surprised if your son wasn't not only listening to, but actually hearing the things you are saying to him. It may be many years, if not decades, before you see any evidence of that, however.

Hang in there!

Orlando,

Sorry you beat me to the send button. I was composing and didn't see your post.

Thanks for all of the advice, especially the rather lengthy replies that took some time to compose. A few of you were able to capture exactly how I feel and how I'm trying to help.

We do discuss HIS goals and I express what I'm willing to do to help him achieve those goals. Obviously my committment is usually time and money while his committment is time and effort.

I think I'll just sit back for a few weeks and see how he goes about training without my input. I really don't expect much but I certainly don't feel like shelling out another $400 for pitching lessons if I'm not getting the commitment to work on the drills and exercises that are presented to him. Sort of like buying your kid a musical instrument and then after a few days they don't feel like practicing it anymore and then it just collects dust.

Thanks agin for taking the time to reply to my post.

As I agree with yours, P&C!

I never tried to stop my son from playing tons of video. He would be at it for hours and I believe it helped his concentration and hand eye coordination. He akways had a group of guys come over and they would play on the big screen and we often watched. They laughed and had a great time. My son also has his MP3 music and video player plugged in his ears all the time. I told him to not do that while his team is on the field as some coaches will get upset about that.
He played varsity basket ball and worked out all year with his BB teams. Up until about 16-17 he would not go to a gym unless he went with a friend or teammate and not until he was around 17. Your son is quite normal and the fact that you want to punish him is a mistake. Eventually they figure it out. My son hated me videoing him. I explained why and he accepted it. Eventually his friends asked him to ask me to video them and all of a sudden he started asking me to make sure I video different games. It is amazing how they grow up. Yes they don't seem to be listening but they do. I used to make suggestions and before you knew it you could see him make adjustments.
If your son is serious and stays interested in BB he will become more motivated.

quote:

Originally posted by BobbleheadDoll:
Your son is quite normal and the fact that you want to punish him is a mistake.

Not sure I agree with your thought process that I'm punishing my son. If your son tells you he wants to get better and you pay for lessons, camps, etc.. and then he doesn't work on what he's taught at home or through the week, would you keep throwing money away?

I've reached the point where I don't want to and feel my son owes me more for the time and financial support I'm providing.

quote:

by K: I've reached the point where I don't want to and feel my son owes me more for the time and financial support I'm providing.

I feel your pain, I don't have enough paper to add up a fair value of what my kids owe me


I'm sure the total would be like that "national debt counter" -
a pretty large number, constantly increasing each second

Your son is fourteen. He's at the age where he sees a lot of options opening in his life. There are a lot of choices. He's also going to start stretching his independence. One way to impose his independence is to resist. It's also important to have an off season away from the game. Middle of winter would be that time regardless of where you live.

Like almost everyone else's son, my son went through the same stage. Sometimes the best lesson is to fall on their faces by themselves. My son recently had an average fall season after a great summer season. Part of it was playing up one and two years in tournaments (getting 15U/incoming freshmen ready for high school). But when I asked my son what he learned from the fall season he responded, "I should listen to you when you discuss adjustments. You know more than me about hitting."

It didn't kill my son to have me back off and let him fall down. In fact the timing (heading into high school) may have been a perfect lesson. The only pushing I do on my son is ask, "You told me your goals. Are you accomplishing them with that controller in your hand?"

quote:

Originally posted by Bee>:I feel your pain, I don't have enough paper to add up a fair value of what my kids owe me

I'm sure the total would be like that "national debt counter" -
a pretty large number, constantly increasing each second

We all know the real answer to this is .... The joy we got watching them play: priceless

quote:

Originally posted by RJM:
The only pushing I do on my son is ask, "You told me your goals. Are you accomplishing them with that controller in your hand?"

Thanks. I'm stealing this line from you!!

Strike 3
I understand where you are coming from, I am a high school FB / BSB coach who played both in college. Looking back now wished I had put more time in. I never got signed due to my offensive miscomings (basically I sucked, great glove, great speed, great arm, NO bat) Now my son is 10 and he loves it, plays for a 10U Major team that travels a lot. Right now I have no coaching responsibilities after school since we are in basketball and it is the best feeling in the world when my son looks out the window on the way to school and says "It's a pretty day Dad we can work out today" equally as rewarding when he show dissappointment during bad weather. He also gets mad when the weather is bad and basketball has all the gyms taken up. There are times when I think he should be taking advantage of an opportunity but he thinks he needs to be a 10 year old little boy. Let yours be 14 he will miss it more if you back off and let him come to you.

Seeknay,

Thanks for your reply.

S3,

I had this problem to a lesser degree last year when my son was 13. He is back to asking me to play catch, work on receiving drills (Catcher), delivery drills (Pitcher) or just hit. It was his way of telling me he needed a break. FYI, I have never asked my son to do any of the above. I have made it a point to make sure he asks me.

quote:

Not sure I agree with your thought process that I'm punishing my son. If your son tells you he wants to get better and you pay for lessons, camps, etc.. and then he doesn't work on what he's taught at home or through the week, would you keep throwing money away?

I've reached the point where I don't want to and feel my son owes me more for the time and financial support I'm providing.

Thats why you have the problem and I didn't.
I never threw any money away. No expensive lessons, no showcases, no expensive Elite teams.

My son worked for every thing he has.