A thread in the Lady's Lounge prompted a question. I don't think there's a "right" answer but I was curious about your experiences. My oldest (a daughter) is currently in her senior year and headed off to college in the fall (an no, we still don't know yet where she's going for those "in the loop").

My question, do/did you allow your son/daughter to drink at home if they wanted to?

Before you all jump on me with the PC answers, here are my thoughts. I really don't want to condone it in any way, shape or form but I do want to control it as much as possible IF it happens. I have lectured my daughter literally 100's of times saying that she'd better not be drinking because if she does, it could ruin her future (in more ways than one). However, IF there's a situation where she is out for the night and she or a friend as much as sampled a beverage, I would come get them, no questions asked, any time, anywhere, without repurcussions. IF, however, I find out from somebody else she (or a friend) did drink and then drove, she'll regret it for a LONG time.

Now that she is off to college soon, I won't be there to keep an eye on her and can only hope and pray my numerous lectures have sunk in. But, getting back to my question, could the anxiety of freedom and drinking be tempered somewhat by allowing it at home in a controlled environment (periodically, not a kegger at Beezer's every weekend), or do you think that would only fuel the fire? I guess my thought is that if she feels the need to drink, I'm hoping to teach her some responsibility before she's on her own and I think lecturing only goes so far.

Although the legal drinking age was different back then (as were the times) but my parents allowed me to have a small group of teammates/friends over from time to time for beer and cards during my senior year. Nobody got out of hand and nobody drove home.

So what course of actions have you taken; lecture till your blue and hope they don't drink or allow it sparingly?

Until they were of age, 21, they did not drink in my house nor did their freinds at any get togethers and they included times when adults were there and alcohol was present

My son is legal in Canada and dosen't drink here. In a get together with friends of ours he was offered a beer and chose sprite. I told him he could have a beer legally and he said no.
He knows that he is not legal in SC so he knows the results could be serious and I have total confindence he will not do amything that could hurt his baseball and academics.
My wife and I rarely drink at home.

Beezer,
Good question and has to be on the minds of every parent with a child in college or headed to college. If the question is not----- “Will they drink?” then they have to be asking “Can they handle the drinking?”
I don’t think it should be discussed as a moral issue on the HSBBW, but I do think it should be addressed from a practical stand point by each and every parent and child. Let me say this. The majority of college students will be involved in drinking one way or another in college.... They may not drink but they will be involved with either driving buddies that have been drinking or being at a party full of drunks or just being exposed to it in their every day to life. Alcohol was a common as Mac and Cheese at most college apartments.
When our kids get to be college age I think we make the greatest impression if we “ask” them instead of “tell” them to do, or not do things. It’s difficult to ‘make” them do things but we still have the ability to guide them. I think the best thing is to ask them to act as you would like them to act. I would also try to keep the lines of communications open as best I could on controversial subjects like drugs, drinking, and s e x. If you stay up on the gossip and newspapers you can find out what’s happening with their old classmates. You can report what you find out about their “buddies” and use them as examples. Tell them you heard about Jimmy and how he got busted with an open container, lost his license and that one stupid moment will probably hurt him for many years. Tell him you heard Suzie was pregnant by "who knows" and has had to go to work at McDonalds and explain that you can’t understand how someone so smart could mess up. Pretty soon you start to paint a picture "allowing him" to form his own opinion of how he or she should act and the consequences for their actions.
To address your question about “Would I allow my son or daughter to drink at home? My answer is “no” but that may not be the “right” answer but that is the only one I’m comfortable with.
Fungo

Fungo - Excellent post! I entirely agree.

Choices. Our kids will have to live with each and every choice they make. We have to live with each and every choice we make. I choose to discuss options with my kids while explaining why I make and why I have made certain choices in life. I have also often used a friend of theirs to illustrate a consequence of certain behaviors. I have never chosen to "share" alcohol in our home with my kids or their friends.

When our kids become college students, hopefully we have armed them with knowledge and courage to do what they believe is right for themselves and make good choices. I think that's what a parent's job is. Our kids should know where we stand on issues but also feel like they can turn to us if they do make a bad choice or a choice they know we won't be happy with.

Fungo - I am not blowing smoke, you are a fantastic writer and thinker. The philosophy you have espoused is basically mine but I have done some things differently.

Since I know we have some younger members like Kevin and Nate, I will say if you ever make it to my house you will not be offered alcohol, nor will there be conditions under which alcohol is served to a minor without my knowledge. If you want to use the batting cage in the back yard, well...that is a different story

That said, this is a sensitive subject with me. Alcoholism runs in my family on both sides, yet I thankfully am not an alcoholic. I do enjoy drinking however and that basically means responsible drinking. My boys and I have talked until I am blue in the face and they have still made mistakes with respect to alcohol. The only rule that I have tried to "mandate" with them is that if there is any drinking, then absolutely no driving. Of course, that means no riding with someone who has been drinking. Obviously, it would be fine with me if they did not drink at all.

quote:

Originally posted by Fungo:
If the question is not----- “Will they drink?” then they have to be asking “Can they handle the drinking?”

This basically the essence of my concern. I've seen so many instances in college where kids who self destruct when given all that freedom. And as Fungo's post went on to point out, there are so many other moral decisions they'll face. I only hope that one of my MANY lectures have hit home and she makes the right decisions without me being there.

Actually, I know it's a problem for some of her peers NOW and she has basically distanced herself from some of them as a result....so far.

Beez - It sounds like your daughter is already demonstrating self restraint and making good choices!

It think the kids that have the most difficult of times in dealing and adjusting with freedom are the kids that haven't been allowed all along to make some choices from themselves. If you're daughter had been prevented from going to parties, if you had chosen all of her friends in HS...... I think learning to make good decisions about life begins before we send them off on their own.

laf - thanks. I know there are times where she's made the right choices. But I'm sure there are just as many times we don't know about and can only hope the right choices were made.

Regarding the kids that haven't been given the chance, that's part of my concern....second guessing if we're TOO strict. For instance, she's had several friends visit other friends/siblings/relatives at college and we wouldn't allow her to go. We figure she'll get enough college life when she goes to college.

Beezer,
One of the most assuring phone calls I got from my son as a freshman in college was when he told me that his teammate had tried alcohol for the first time and he gave me a blow by blow description of how it all happened. He asked that I not tell his teammate’s parents (and I didn’t). By my son telling me about this incident, I had to assume that he wasn’t drinking at that time because if he were, in essence he would be telling on himself.

PS to Beezer ---- at this point everything looks like a go---I’ll PM you later as the dates get a little closer.

Beez - if you're concerned about how much rope you've given her, perhaps you can stretch that out a bit this spring and summer. I don't think you need to go as far as allowing or permitting her to drink. I have a feeling though that she'll do just fine!

I think at this point in the game, it's much about trust (to a certain extent). She has to know you trust her to make some correct choices at this point and you have to feel comfortable that she's mature enough to do so. She is going to be exposed to those situations in college - there's no getting around it.

Laf - I guess that's a good way to put it with the rope analogy. Luckily, she's an athlete in the spring as well so that will keep her pretty occupied and not going out with friends so much

Fungo - I'll PM you in a bit.